I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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