I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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