Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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