Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
