i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
