So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
