just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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