You're my little dorito
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
