i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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