Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
