i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Welp...herpes.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
