she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
