Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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