I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
