Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
