I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
