Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
