Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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