laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
