so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
