drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
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