Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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