Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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