4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
