I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
