I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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