Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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