You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
