What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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