In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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