ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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