I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
