I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
