you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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