i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
