Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
