Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
