During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i came on her dog
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
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