Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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