You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Boobs speak an international language.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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