I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Randomize
