Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
