I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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