Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
