Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
