No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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