Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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