yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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