i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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