Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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