I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
